I was just [studying pharmacology] going through old e-mails looking for something regarding an old business transaction, and found myself looking through an old e-mail account, at e-mails from 2001, before I had left Sapient, before I started the Great Vet School Quest. I found a bunch of e-mails exchanged between myself and a boy I knew – he was probably unfortnately more into me than I was into him, but we still were good friends and enjoyed a good debate/conversation.

But reading what and how I wrote back then… Who WAS I??? I was so…happy. I was light and witty and impatient and of course still cynical (I think it was my 1st grade teacher, Mr. Morrison who first referred to me as “cynical”, no joke), but with none of the edge I have now, all light and airy and…happy.

These words were actually typed by MY hands, 7 years ago:

> You know (random thought) one thing that really works for me when I’m
> in an impatient mood/irritable/stuck in traffic: Going back to my
> charmed life, I just take 10 seconds, if that, to look around me and
> find things to appreciate. It’s quite nice. Sometimes it is really
> stupid, trivial stuff, but that makes all the difference. The other day
> I was stuck getting on to Storrow and traffic was crazy and of course I
> was late, but I found a pretty sky, the fact that my AC wasn’t broken
> because I have no AC to be broken, my apartment, not having to find
> a new apartment, and a bunch of other stuff. It is amazing, how many
> things there are to be amazed at.

WTF?! Who says shit like that???

I want to scoff, loudly, roll my eyes at least, but really, I am so jealous of that girl, and her light, unruined heart.

These words were written by the boy, talking about a dinner party:

>The final thing I said before other people wandered in and we moved on to less taboo
>conversation (whether or not the Jillian’s female staff are sluts) was that
>my friend Liz had finally helped me see, which I’d conceded fairly recently,
>that life is in our attitude towards it.

Jesus. “Life is in our attitude towards it.” THAT’s why I was so pissy in my late 20s, it was my attitude. I’d like to have a talk with that early-20s Liz. I want to be her, again. She sounds nice and sweet and smart and unconcerned, helping her friends out like that, sharing her wisdom and all.

Ugh. I can’t tell if I’ve gotten too hard and crunchy and cynical. I want to be that airheaded yet faux-wise 23 year old self who seemingly was skipping through fields of daisies playing with butterflies, again. I just seemed so….happy, so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I feel like a shell of that. But maybe I’m not so far off? I can’t tell, looking at myself…I think cynical and I think I act cynical, but I wonder if people really see me that way, or if I just see myself that way? And really I think I’ve changed so much in the past year – I’m SO much happier than I was 2 years ago, I do think I’m getting back to that kind of easy happiness. I think? I do appreciate a lot around me, I really am so happy, in some ways, to have this life. Sometimes. Sometimes I hate it, too. Parts of it.

This post can only be concluded with me going to meet friends for Wednesday night drinks. So off I go.


2 thoughts on “shellshock

  1. Day

    I have to say you did go through a dark phase for a bit (I think occasional outlooks swings are absolutely necessary) but as far as I can tell, the old you is back, only a bit better.

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