demotivate

Since finding out that I passed boards, I have demotived in the most admirably stereotypical way imaginable.  Never one to slack at work, I’m still working hard at school, but once the day ends getting anything useful done is nearly impossible. Laundry is unfolded, my apartment is messy, errands aren’t run, jobs aren’t found, etc., etc. It’s February, what can I say?

What I can say is…I’m going to Mexico! I have next week off of clinics (my last vacation week!), and so we’re taking the first half of the week and treating ourselves to what I hope will be an absolutely gorgeous vacation, with sun, surf, sand, margaritas, etc.  I can. not. wait.

And then, when I’m back, I’m hoping for renewed motivation and determination. And maybe a nice tan.

boards notes

Everything I wrote here still stands.

For those vet students who have yet to take the exam, the honest truth is that you’ll probably pass. Really. The failure rate isn’t particularly high – 10%, maybe? And as I’ve been told, of the bottom 10 students from a class academically, and it’s those students who are apt to fail.

All the same, there is always the possibility that you could fail, and that alone will keep you on your toes.

I passed comfortably, but not with flying colors, which matters not at all, because I passed.  Perhaps this makes the NAVLE the one vet school exam that you’ll do backflips at getting anything even remotely higher than an F.

I don’t think I would have passed if I hadn’t studied. I do think I would have passed if I studied far less. But if I had studied less, I would have worried more. So it was well worth it.

When I got that text (PASS!!!!), the feeling of nausea and worry being replaced with relief, gratitude and gratification was palpable and brilliant, and hopefully not soon, or ever, forgotten. Definitely one of those memorable moments.

Some of the best things about being done with boards: 1. Getting to practice veterinary medicine (duh); 2. Having the rest of my vet school career to enjoy and not study every day; 3. Being able to just let go of all that information about the organisms that cause bovine pneumonia and withdrawal times for antibiotics for milk and for slaughter and BLAH BLAH BLAH; 4. being able to tell prospective employers: I passed boards!.

The scores came in a simple letter envelope, and was a single page with include the word PASS (!!!!!), my numerical score, and a percentage, with vague instructions that the numbers did not in any way indicate the number of questions I got right or wrong, but rather a scaled something or other. Whatever. PASS.

this is your life

I’m not a big crier, but I had a good cry last night. It wasn’t that I thought I had failed, really, or that not hearing made me think it was more likely that I had failed. It was just that the stress of waiting, combined with finding out that everyone else had found out and was celebrating that broke my spirit. I felt left out. It wasn’t a big cry, just a quick weep and whine and then I was able to drown my sorrows in a margarita and the movie “Up” (OH MY GOD, I had resisted seeing that but SO CUTE and TOUCHING, ugh, loved it).

And I felt crappy this morning. The fourth years at school were excited, happy, giddy with having found out that they had passed. Word got around that I hadn’t found out (um, okay, probably because I kept whining about it), and sympathetic looks came my way, which really was nice, but also just added to my worry.

And so at 11AM, I found myself crammed into an exam room with a professor, a resident, a technician, three other students, a dog with a bad eye and two nice owners, that I thought to check my phone and saw that I had a new message. I ignored it, for 30 seconds. It was too early for the mail to have come anyway. But then, covertly under the table, I pulled out the phone and checked the message, which contained this single, gorgeous word:

PASS!!!!!!!!!

When I first found out that I got into vet school, I was stuck on a subway with a bunch of strangers, and this was hardly any better. The best that I could do was hold up the phone to other classmates, show them the message and grin like a fool, as the doctor talked about vision capabilities in a dog after cataract surgery.  Finally, as the appointment wrapped up (such nice people, too), I was able to excuse myself, call my boyfriend to confirm that he wasn’t just pulling my leg, and then jump up and down in the back hallway, call and/or text my family, and find a few school friends to whisper: “I PASSED!!!”.

There’s much gushing to do, but I came home to a bottle of champagne and am soon going out with friends, so for now, it’s time to celebrate. YAY!

the waiting is the hardest part

I called the Iowa state board this morning, early, and asked, with the slightest hint of desperation in my voice, if they could tell me when the NAVLE scores had been sent. The woman responded rather formally: Yes, Elizabeth, the NAVLE scores were sent on the 19th of January.

And so I knew: today was the day.  Normally mail (e.g.: Netflix) from Des Moines arrives the next day. But there was that ice storm!!! Of course it would take two days!!!! So definitely, it would be here TODAY.

About this time I heard another delicious rumor that if you failed, your scores would be sent via certified mail, so that the board could ensure you knew to reschedule during the April window, and if that happened, you were more likely to have gotten the letter yesterday.  [This rumor was later debunked, but not with that much authority, so I have no freaking clue if it's true.]

And so I waited. I have a good sweet friend checking my mail since I’m on the worst rotation ever and can’t get away for lunch. And at one, the text came:

“Nothing.”

NO MAIL. NOTHING. ARGHGHGHGHGHGH. Or however that grunt is elongated.

I am going slowing insane with neurosis.

waiting game

I knew the chances were reasonably good that scores would not arrive today. The very earliest they could have sent them was yesterday, and for all I know some administrative assistant just forgot to get them in the mail, or they weren’t even finished processing them yet. So maybe they weren’t sent yesterday. And even if they were, maybe it was last in the day. Or maybe mail from Des Moines doesn’t necessarily always arrive within a day on a good day, let alone during an ice storm, which we are in the midst of.

And so it was, the mail came today, and with it came two bills and a suggestion that I renew a magazine subscription. And absolutely nothing else.

it is written

This afternoon, while taking a quick break from an otherwise busy day, I was quickly perusing Facebook when i saw the following update from a friend who is a 4th year at vet school:

<soandso> PASSED BOARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Upon reading this my heart fell down into my socks and I stuttered to my similarly procrastinating nearby classmates something about how..maybe…already…board results were being received?? But how could this be, it’s way too soon??? Upon which a scramble of most impressive proportions began and within three minutes, we had it figured out:

National board results have been presented to the individual state boards, who then have the responsibility of reporting the results to their students. (I, fool, registered through Iowa.) SOME state boards happen to report their student’s results online, and it was those lucky bastards who were able to find out today if the passed or failed. Other state boards (IOWA) do not report results online, but instead mail them. And those states will be mailing them early next week (or maybe later, since Monday is a holiday).

Which means while other lucky ducks celebrate, I will be WAITING. ARGH!!!!!!!

But even if I can’t see it, the result is out there: I’ve passed, or I’ve failed, and what’s done is done. I’ll be so relieved to just know.

I was warned about this

Last week was soo slow. A combination of bad luck and bad weather resulted in me having absolutely NO patients all week, as of Friday at noon. It was…well, pretty dull. I tried to make the most of it, but topic rounds and personal research only get you so far til you fall victim to http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com and facebook.

Anyway, Friday afternoon we heard that we might have a new patient coming in; one that we had seen before and had declined further diagnostics in favor of medical treatment.  Unfortunately the medical treatment was no longer working and the patient had been deteriorating significantly. So he was being rushed in…for diagnostics that he couldn’t have until Monday.

Of COURSE, I ended up taking the patient. Partly because I was next in line but partly because I have crap luck. And so Friday afternoon had me finally working up my first patient, and basically tucking him in so that I could babysit him all. weekend. long.

And of course, it’s fine, it’s fine. It actually has turned into a good learning experience, and it has been nice to see the patient stabilize rapidly with more intensive care.  The entire and only problem with having a patient over a weekend is expectations. If you’ve been expecting it, it’s fine. But if you’ve planned on a lazy, not-getting-out-of-PJs weekend, then it’s just a bummer, knowing that you’ll be tied to the hospital at the 8-o-clock hour.

Alas. Still I’ve had a really nice weekend.

Less than 4 months to graduation now!

slump

I was in a bit of a slump for the past few days.  You know how it is when you’re all bemoaning the world and everything is awful, etc., yet in the back of your mind there’s a little voice saying “what the hell is the problem here??? life is really not this bad!! chill out!!!”, but you still can’t really help but feel rather exceptionally blah?

Well, that was me. I chalked it up to stress about job hunting and impending life changes, and still believe that was the bulk of it, plus a bit of  post-holidays blues to complicate things. I had plenty of time to wallow appropriately while on vacation and stood over my long “List of Things To Do Before Vacations Ends” and scorned it.

I once heard the best advice that I will share here: that the best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer someone else up. And so when I got a chance to cheer a friend up yesterday afternoon, I jumped on it, and it worked, like a charm, and slump? Gone.

Of course the stress remains, but at least I’m checking some things off my to-do list (piles of old clothes to Good Will? They’re in bag now!) and am able to recognize again how fantastically fortunate I am to be me, right now.  I was sitting in rounds this afternoon, and we (my rotation mates, the resident and the attending clinician) were talking about cases that we had seen yesterday and laughing about something I can’t remember, and for the millionth time I was struck by how far I’ve come, how good I have it, and how red with envy the person I was four years ago would have been of the person I am today.  Life is indeed good, and I’m quite relieved that the slump was a short one, so that I could appreciate the moment.

4 months and 2 days to graduation.

slooooow day

Argh. The one patient I was supposed to have today rescheduled for next week and so I’ve had almost nothing to do alllll day. When you’re the student on a case there’s always loads to do – drawing blood and urine, putting in requests for x-rays or consults, holding for ultrasounds, etc., etc. But when you don’t have a case all you really need to do is hang around and pick up the scraps of the other students who do – which is soo boring.

Hopefully I’ll pick up something tomorrow on transfers!!!

(there are two medicine groups, and we alternate days – so one group will have appointments on Mon and Wed and pick up transfers from other groups on Tue and Thu; the other group has appointments on Tue/Thur and does transfers on Mon/Wed. We alternate Fridays and weekends.)

back in the angsty saddle

I’m back in the swing of things at school (on small animal Internal Medicine) and my last two-week vacation has ended. I only have one more week of vacation left, which totally serves me right for taking so much time earlier in the year (not that I regret that in the least).

Today was a slow day, which I appreciated as the first day back after vacation always seems to wear me out consistently. But we got a 3-hour lunch break and were done by 5 so I couldn’t be more lucky in that regards. The week will be picking up, though with pending transfers, appointments and consults.

My head has been swimming, doing acrobatics, power-cycling, etc., lately over the thoughts of impending graduation, job searching, life decisions, board results, etc. I’d love to blog about it all, but since I can’t organize my thoughts in my own head, putting them to paper will be unnecessarily difficult.

At least I can say that after a good conversation with my rotation-mates today (I have a kick-ass group, thankfully), I can certainly appreciate that I am not alone. It’s not JUST finding a job – we’re like prisoners being released into the real world and we have to figure out how to make our whole lives work.

I wonder if its particularly troublesome for me and other non-traditionals, because, unlike your typical vet student who has come straight from college straight from high school,  I have done this whole build-a-life thing before – I graduated from college, moved, found a job, etc. And now, having to do it all again, perhaps there is a fear that this time…maybe I’ll screw it all up? Maybe I’ll make the wrong decisions, maybe it’ll be worse, and this will all have been a mistake? Oopsie.

Fear not if you think I’m not making sense – I’m sure I’m not, but I can’t really help it. I’m off to the gym in the hopes that increased cerebral blood flow might clear things up. If that fails though, my faith in the healing powers of time persists.